muhlb's Journal

Dan & Doris
I haven't been here in a while. I just remembered that I had a picture of my old dear departed friends, Dan & Doris, on this site. I think God intended for me to take an interest in his recovery after his stroke. I was by his side for over ten years doing anything and everything I could for him and then for Doris after he died in 2001. Little did I know it would prepare me for my Mother's stroke in 2006. I measure my life now in "before her stroke and after her stroke" as it has had a profound impact on my life. I have joined a local support group for caregivers. I am on the verge of cracking. Sometimes I wish I was no longer here but where would I be? New York with my Dad? I doubt that. Ever feel like you just want to run away but don't know where to go? that's how I feel right now.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Law & Order in background

Easter dinner
Howdy LJ - long time no talk to... I haven't even had the time to write in my "real" paper and pen type journal let alone get here. I hope that changes when I buy a computer with my tax return. Mom is doing well. I was out there for Easter and made her a traditional ham dinner with potatoes and carrots. I think she liked it. I don't know where to start with her recovery so perhaps I will save it for another time. I wanted to be sure that my account was still here. More soon I promise!

Current Mood: content
Current Music: rude people talking

Mom
Well if I thought I had no time five months ago, I surely was wrong because nothing compares to what is happening and in a way NOT happening in my life now. It's Wednesday so that means I am out in Cornish with my Mother for the day as that's the one day Karen did not wish to stop working. I also spend a good portion of both Saturday and Sunday here, say from 8:00am till 3:00pm or 4:00pm. It isn't doing Bob and I any good with last week being borderline horrific but I don't even want to go there. Last night I met with the first of whay I see as many potential caregivers in order to hire some help. We won't make three months as this is much more work than we ever thought. We continue, however, to get the job done and things taken care of even if only a small amount at a time. There is so much cleaning and general reorganization needed after the major construction on the house. Losing two closets didn't help with the fact that there is simply too much stuff here for the amount of room offered. Some basic organization would help of course but there's so much to do with my Mom that extra energy is sometimes best spent resting or talking with her for a moment. What a place. If you would have told me two years ago that this would have happened, I wouldn't have believed you. How stupid am I? Tante' Helen turned 98 on April 30th and, I, like a bum, forgot to call her. True, I have alot on my plate but that's no excuse. How many family members do ya' get to have that live to 98? It was almost as cool as Uncle Max's 100th birthday party last December.

OK, there is so much to do. Karen, nicely, left me yesterday's dishes, mess on the counters, table, living room, etc. that I must get busy. Visiting nurses are later on Wednesday so this place gets some time to look better.

Current Mood: numb

time and lack of it
Well, God handed me lemons when he gave my Mother a severe stroke on August 21, 2006. I used to mark time by "before and after" like when I wrecked my Saab in the DWI, or when My dearest friend, Dan White, died at 98 years old five years ago. I swear nothing will ever compare to having a parent suffer a severe stroke. She is still doing rehab and I see her twice a day and three times a day on weekends. I keep reassuring her that I am there for her, that she will beat this, that we will laugh about this in one year but deep down I am so scared that what if this is as good as she gets? What if she never talks again? What if she can never call me again? We used to talk on the phone every night. It has been Three months and three weeks since she has called me on the telephone. I want my Mommy back.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: none

My Mother
She said her first two word yesterday. I almost cried. Well I did but much later. She will recover from this that I am sure. It will be a long road. I am so tired. I don't know what I am doing here when I should be out and about getting stuff done. I have not checked email in over ten days. That is what I am doing here. I need to record all her progress as well. I am still scared. there are alot of what ifs going on in my head.

later

Current Mood: tired

Mom
Well, it has finally happened. Mom had a serious stroke on Monday, August 21, 2006 on her way home from Foxwoods of all places. Thank GOD she had pulled off the interstate to gas up and was sitting in the car when it happened. It was a miracle that she wasn't on the highway.I am also thankful her friend, Genie, was with her and knew right away something was wrong. She started screaming and the rescue center was right across the street. They were there in five minutes and then the hospital was three minutes away. She is in ICU at Brattleboro Memorial Hospital. I am terrified even now three days later. It was a left brain stroke so it has affected her right side though there is movement so all is not lost. She also has no speech. Karen is there today and Karl tomorrow as I did yesterday but I will go down tomorrow after work. Work has been great giving me the last two days off but today I saw her lawyer cause i need durable power of attorney to pay her bills. She doesn't have one so I am going to the bank tomorrow. I pray she will be OK. I am scared. Scared I will never hear her voice again. Scared she may never work again just plain scared. Can you imagine what it must be like? I cannot. That makes me more scared.
I can't write about this anymore or I will cry in the library and that would be bad.
later

Linda

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: not sure something outside

September 2 anniversary date sad day
I just realized that with 9 -11 fast approaching it will be five years that my dear friend, Dan White, has been gone. Wow do I miss that old timer... and his wife, too.

Current Mood: peaceful

my space
Howdy Again, Work is SO BORING that I left. I would have killed myself if I had to stay there another two and a half hours. So I decided to go to the library and check email, feed neopets and check my space. I don't have much of an opinion of my space as of yet. It is basically a copy of everthing that is HERE! So there! I don't yet know anyone from here that is on there but I am beginning to think that I won't maintain my space space for long. I really only signed on because Bob's son, Brian, is there and I wanted to monitor. You know, for safety's sake... He won't add me as a friend though the little bastard so how can I monitor?
Not much else new around here... went to the lake camp with Mom and Karen on Saturday for Becky's baby shower. I hate showers but I guess a bridal shower is worse.
That's it I am gone...

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: nada

house sitting
Howdy Journal! I am house sitting for Deb Cutts and family while they are in ME on vacation. I am staying there because of the large number of animals. She took the "bipolar" St Bernard with her but left the younger one and the black (smelly)lab. There are also two cats, a kitten, a rat, a snake, a rabbit and numerous fish tanks. I actually left work a bit early today cause I was worried about the dogs being outside in the kennel (in shade) but it was over 95 today so no one should be outside in that heat. Tomorrow will be worse but they are due home tomorrow. Thank goodness as I have been here since the 23rd and miss my two cats. Even though I stop home once or twice a day cause it's only a two minute drive it is not the same as being home. The nice thing about Deb's is the 24 - 7 DSL computer and AC in the family room - Oh Yeah, baby, as Emeril would say! I am spoiled now. So are the dogs as I walk them often cause I don't "do" doggy accidents!
Later got neopets to feed!

Current Mood: content

Mushroom Find!
OMG ~ I just came across at least five maybe ten pounds of Oyster mushrooms growing about six feet up on a dead tree on Route 120 half way between Cornish and Claremont. I must have looked pretty silly in my work clothes and sandals trying to climb the bank and cut these off without falling on my you know what! I am 100% positive that they are Oysters - my car now reeks like seafood! I also checked the wildmanstevebrill site and confirmed that they are indeed oysters. Yum Yum !
Not much else going on oh except RAIN! I swear this is a forty days and forty nights kinda thing!

Later

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: me typing!

25 years out of high school
Hey, J-
Well, I just lived through the entire 25th reunion thing. Man, that was a challenge let me tell you. First of all, I decided to actually help this time around and work on the float. I did alot of running for materials; paint, brushes, tarps, drop cloths, you name it. Oh, and streamers I must have made three trips for streamers. I am not good with painting so at least I was able to buy some of the supplies and get reimbursed later.
So of course it poured rain for ten days before the parade including Thursday and Friday nights before we were to actually build the float. We drank instead. Ronnie wanted us there for 6:00am last Saturdy morning to build the float. I was the second person there at 5:50am and Ron showed up around 6:15. We got it done.
We drove it to Stevens AND we actually won a trophy. Well, I would call it a banner but they called it a trophy! We got soaked riding in the parade as well! We ran out of beer on W Pleasant Street so we threw Bobbie DuPont off and he ran to Texaco for two 18packs. Awesome! I was so sick before and just got worse so I blew off Laura's picnic (in the rain?) and then I blew off the party at the senior center. Bob went to Dan's for a poker game and I know I should have gone but I just didn't feel like it. I guess I am old, huh? Now If I can only find some pictures!
Later

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: funny stuff from the farmer's market outside

more crap
Hey, Well, the crap has not hit the fan the way I would have thought. It was a very silent Saturday, but on Sunday I think we made some progress. It didn't stop me from renting space in a warehouse to begin taking some of my crap out. Shari had a great idea. If I were to ever open a store, I would steal the name from her: "Chipped, Cracked and Dusty." It fits. I take home every orphaned piece of cookware known to mankind. I have three of everything. Well, two of them are now in storage. Hopefully, Bob and I can find some space to talk this through and decide what's best. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Later

Current Mood: awake

Bob
Hello from the the was zone. I guess I crossed the line. I had to call the cops last night. Well, I guess I didn't have to but I did so I will be moving soon. I guess I knew it was coming. I guess he wasn't the one after all. Not that I ever thought he was. I guess I haven't really had time to have it sink in yet. I will miss him...the old him.. not this new guy who is so short tempered and sometimes almost violent. The cops simply told him to calm down which I guess it what I wanted, but you'd have thought they hauled him away the way he is behaving this morning. Men are so strange especially that one. I will never figure him out. It's all my fault in his eyes I am sure. I only take fifty percent of the blame. I hope I don't repeat my mistakes. I hope I get over him quickly. We always did get along better when I didn't live there. Who knows what will happen. More later when I am not so depressed.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: computer noises

Bob Finch - Furniture Flipper
Hey,I am avoiding being home as Cindy is there with Tyler and Nate. Cindy's upstairs sleeping though so it's a TV fest. Yeah, right... crap tv. If it is not Law & Order, Soaps, or the news, I am not interested. You can tell it was a full moon last night. Bob was a bigger asshole than usual. I decided to see what he was doing around 10:30pm. Big Mistake. Big... He was generally just mad and I guess it was all at me. So next thing I know, I am trying to go to bed to sleep around 12:30am. He asks me something stupid and without thinking, I gave him an answer that he did not like. So he strips the bed (after I get out)then I go downstairs and he proceeds to flip the friggin' frame and matress up against the wall. Now it is a small room and I have alot of crap so he wasn't able to flip it back at 1:30am when he decided to do so so that HE could get some sleep. Asshole. I swear sometimes I don't know why I stay with him. He bugs me when he does that. I know I am set in my ways but lets act like adults shall we? I am sure that he is probaby not speaking to me but like I care. Maybe I will go home go back upstairs make the bed and read. I just started Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil which is set in Savannah and so far, it's awesome. When I finish the book, I am going to find the movie. I also have Stephen King's newest novel, The Cell, in reserve.
OK enough bitching about Bob. I gotta go feed some Neopets.
Later!

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: none

randomness
Howdy old on line journal. I haven't told you about Hilton Head Island, SC have I? I had an awesome time. First of all it was great getting away from actual work for more than a few days. This was the first real vacation I had taken in over ten years. I may take another before the year is out, too. My Dad paid the airfare so that was a nice gift, too. The flights were cool, the place he was staying though small was adequate for just the two of us. He is such a health nut. We walked and walked and walked the beaches almost every day. Then we headed to the parks and walked some more. I got a blister on the top of my right foot. Luckily it is almost gone now. It is hard to believe that I have been home almost a month already. It seems like I just got back. On Wednesday we went in to Savannah GA and did a trolley tour of the city which was great. We had lunch down near the river and I even found a Harley Davidson shop where I bought Tyler and Bob each a t shirt. I took two rolls of pictures and came back with over 100 postcards, three keychains, six shot glasses and loads of shells. I even got some pinecones for Deb Cutts as requested. More on the entire trip later, ok?
gotta run-

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: nada - zip - quiet library noises

update for 2006
Hello, long time no write here, eh? Well, I haven't exactly been writing volumes in my old paper journal either so don't feel bad. Things are finally slowing down after the holidays. It seems like Bob and I fought like cats and dogs in the weeks before the holidays, but he has calmed down for the moment. I have been sick with a cough and cold for what seems like three weeks now. I went to the doctor about two weeks ago. He gave me some cough syrup which made me stop coughing long enough to sleep but now the cold end of it has kicked in and I feel like crap.
I did however book my plane ticket for Hilton Head, SC for Feb. 2, 2006. Dad sent me $500 for Christmas to cover the airfare. That was awesome. Karen will take me to the airport and Mom will pick me up the following Saturday. I am excited but nervous about flying.
I remembered to pay tribute to Levi, my precious cat, who had been gone one year on December 31, 2005. I thank my stars, and Aunt Raine, for sending me Fenway and Sable. They are two of the goofiest kitties I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. They make me laugh. It makes me cry how much I am already attached to them. I hope Levi would be happy. OK, so I have checked email, fed my Neopets, fed my Jino pets (don't ask) and now I am here. I really need to get a life, huh? The bank drive up line was full so I blew that off but I think I will go pick up the jacket at the dry cleaners and then go to the liquor store. Talk at ya later~

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: library voices

catching up
Wow, I wonder how long it's been since I've actually been around. I can't seem to get anything done that I set my mind to do. At least I go to work every day and come home. That's something. So another friggin' holiday is about to drop on us. I did buy a turkey yesterday. I hate the thought of cooking one but I got one anyways. I visited Bob's father in the Vet's hospital both yesterday and today. I am afraid for Bob in that he is going to lose his father soon. He's not ready. The two little "Rumblemuffins" as I now call Fenway and Sable are doing well. Someday I will have the nerve to remove Levi's picture from here but not yet. It hasn't even been a year yet. I still miss him every day. Fenway tries really hard to take his place even kissing my eyes and nose like Levi used to do. Sometimes I just cry. It is sad to get attached to an animal only to have him die in twenty years. I told myself that I wasn't going to get attached to these two kittens but of course I was way wrong right out of the gate. It serves me right. OK I have to go home now. Maybe Santa will bring me a new PC for Xmas. Yeah, right.

Later

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: none

catching up
So I ditched work at three so I could go to the library and check email. I had not done so since Sunday which was Rich's 18th birthday. Cindy was 22 the day before. She came and picked up Brian and they met Lynn at Canobie Lake Park. Not much else new except the two new kittens are growing like little weeds. Boy are they active. I sure wish I could put pictures up but not quite sure how. For now I will keep Levi here.. I sure do miss him.
Later

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: fan in the window next to me

killing time and teenagers (?)
Hey,

So now I am on my second day of camp laundry. That is to say that Bob's son, Brian, went to camp and I get to do two weeks of wet stinking fucking laundry. I am not a happy person at this moment. Bob killed the idea of me getting or rather US getting two cats so my Mother will bring them home from NJ and I will have to tell her no. But as she would say, he is an Asshole. Man, I should move out. As you can tell, I am not a happy person oh, wait, I said that already. I am out of time, as the timer for laundry at the laundromat has expired. I will try to visit again soon. I need to do some postcards. Got one from the bean and she has moved again...

Later

Current Mood: angry

to suck or not to suck
Work SUCKS. Life Sucks. Rain sucks. Cars and car repairs really SUCK. I am in a bad mood. That sucks. No computer at home SUCKS. Bob tired all the time SUCKS. Paperwork sucks. Drew Sucks. Bosses suck. What else sucks? You name it and I will tell you. Banks suck. Credit debt SUCKS. there have I said enough?
more later when Life does SUCK so bad.

Current Mood: annoyed

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